Darkest Dark Lord
by AredhelWD
Summary: This is actually a triple crossover, containing elements from LOTR too. What happens when three Dark Lords meet? This story, aside from being a humorous play on the overused term Dark Lord, attempts to answer that question. NOW UP FOR ADOPTION.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, none of this is to be taken seriously, it's just a crazy ramble! My characters are pretty OOC, especially Eru, who, for anyone who doesn't know, is the supreme deity from Middle Earth, and it's perfectly possible he could have created more than one universe. As for Daek Lords, I could only think of these three, but if anyone thinks of another one that is sufficiently well known that most people should know what I'm talking about, send me a review and I'll pop them in. Oh, and yes, I don't own Darth Vader, Sauron, or Voldemort. If I did claim to, I think I might very quickly end up killed by all three of them. But then, writing this will probably have the same result, damn. Better put up my anti-dark-lord shield.**

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Sauron felt tired a lot of the time. He was weak, extremely so, an invisible wraith drifting in the Void, unable to touch, see, smell or taste. He had no substance at all, merely his mind, a fact that he was not at all pleased about.

When he was not asleep he raged against the Valar, against the Free Peoples, against Melkor, against the whole world. And then, having exhausted what little energy he had in anger, he fell asleep once more.

He had little idea how long he spent in the Void. It is impossible to measure time, when nothing around you save yourself exists. It might have been only a day or two, and it might have been a billion years. However long it was, at last (or, as Tolkien would say, upon a time), he came upon another mind. A mind as weak and exhausted as his own, a mind as angry, a mind as dark.

"Who are you?" Both minds snapped at once, surprised and a little frightened.

"I asked first!" Sauron said immediately.

"You fool, I did!" Said the other.

This went on for a while, until the strange mind said "I, Lord Voldemort, command you to answer me!"

Sauron laughed triumphantly, and the other mind growled in anger. "If I were real I'd blast you!"

"I'd like to see you try," Sauron retorted. "I could simply tread on you."

"Oh yes?" Demanded Voldemort.

"Oh yes! Who do you think you're talking to? I'm _Sauron_ , Dark Lord of all Middle-Earth!"

This didn't impress Lord Voldemort as much as it might have. "Pshaw!" He said. "You're just a character from a Muggle book!"

Sauron didn't know what Muggle meant, but gathered that it was an insult. "How dare you? I commanded armies, ruled half a continent, forged the greatest magical artefact ever made, killed and tortured millions! You can't hold a candle to that!"

"I had an army too." Voldemort said in a disgruntled tone.

Sauron was feeling very tired by now, and a yawn crept into his voice as he said "You're nothing to me!"

And suddenly another mind arrived. "Now that is an interesting question," It said. "Which of my Dark Lords is the worst? I agree, Mairon, Voldemort is nowhere as bad as you, but who is the worst?"

"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort shouted, and then Sauron picked up a rather embarrassed silence.

"Was that meant to do something?" He asked innocently. Voldemort growled.

"Now now now, don't quarrel! At least, not yet. Now listen, you two. I've decided to organise a Dark Lord competition! Whoever is the worst wins, and gets to be resurrected, to wreck havoc once again!"

Sauron was definitely pleased about that. "What will this competition involve, Eru?" He enquired.

"Don't call me that!" Eru shouted. "My name is Iluvatár!"

"It isn't really," Sauron confided to Voldemort. "Just the Elves call him that and he loves Elves. Stupid Elves."

"Right!" Eru Iluvatár continued. "I'll drop you all in a universe specially created for the purpose. Whoever has made the worst mess and made the biggest empire by the end wins!"

And as he said it, it happened. Sauron, with quite a shock, found himself standing in a small building, with a strange tacky flooring and walls painted with a disgusting shade of lurid pink. Shiny white tables stood about on the floor, with light and sticky white chairs standing around each one. A red-eyed, noseless and white-skinned someone who he assumed was Voldemort stood opposite him, wearing black robes and carrying a stick. Sauron looked at himself, and was pleased to note he was in his favourite form - the one he had had before his drowning on Númenor. Pale-skinned, black-haired, and handsome in a saturnine way. He was dressed in black armour, had the One Ring on his finger, and carried a black-bladed sword. "Now that is better!" He said in a cheerful voice.

"Wingardium leviosa!" Voldemort said, and flicked his stick. A chair lifted up into the air and bobbed lazily up and down.

A smile curved Sauron's features, and with a flick of his hand brought the chair crashing to the ground, where it burst into foul-smelling flame. "A true control of the elements requires no words and foolish posturing." He said.

"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort shouted, pointing his stick at Sauron. Green light burst out of it, and flew towards him. Luckily Sauron's armour was special, green light repelling armour. Or maybe it wasn't. " **Hey, no killing each other!** " Shouted Eru in a ridiculously dramatic voiceover. " **Everyone isn't even here yet!** "

And as he spoke a person dressed entirely in shiny black armour, with a long black cloak falling down behind him, landed in the room. He swore loudly, drew a humming, shining red sword and cut a chair in half with it.

"Did that make you feel better?" Sauron asked kindly.

The person whipped round, began making a loud breathing noise, and reached out a hand. A choking feeling emerged around Sauron's throat, and he didn't like it one bit. In retaliation he set the halved chair at the newcomer's feet alight, causing his assailant to jump backwards and lose concentration, releasing his grip on Sauron's throat.

"Will you stop burning things?" Voldemort asked grumpily. "Some of us are trying not to get killed again."

" **That's everyone I can think of at the moment,** " Said Eru. " **So you'd better get on with it. Anyway, what's the thing with black armour and cloaks you lot have?** "

"What's the thing with ridiculously dramatic voiceovers that you have?" Voldemort retorted.

"I demand that you tell me where I am!" The newcomer joined in.

" **Oh, didn't I? Well, this is my Dark Lords competition, whoever is the best Dark Lord gets resurrected in their universe.** "

"In whatever time frame they feel like?" The newcomer demanded in deep and dramatic voice.

" **Yep, I suppose so.** "

"I can rescue Padmé!" The new person shouted, waving his fists in the air and nearly cutting a hole in the roof with his strange swordy thing

"I can kill Harry Potter!" Voldemort shouted triumphantly, shooting sparks from his wand.

"I can conquer everybody!" Sauron shouted, setting random things on fire.

" **Calm down, nobody's won yet! Now, the introductions. This is Lord Voldemort, parselmouth and highly powerful wizard!** " Voldemort preened. " **This is Lord Sauron Gorthaur, Maia and Lord of Mordor!** " Sauron smiled tightly, not all that pleased with his last life. He would rather Eru had mentioned Nùmenor instead. " **And this is Lord Darth Vader, Sith Lord and father of Luke Skywalker!** " Darth Vader's emotions were hard to read, seeing as he was completely covered in this shiny black armour stuff, but he made his sword vanish back into its hilt, and put his hand on his hip.

And with that Eru vanished. Sauron blinked once or twice, and looked around. "Well," he said after a minute. "Shall we get on with it?"

" **Hold on!** " Eru cried, zooming back with a rush. " **I forgot to tell you. To make it harder, I've fished out all your worst enemies and popped them in the world too!** "

He vanished to collective groans.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, followed and favourited! It gives me a really warm feeling inside :). And inspires me to write. Also a huge thank you to DrafonNOOB, who gave me my first ever author follow and favourite!**

 **Oh, and in case I didn't make it clear, the world the competition is taking place in is our own. I originally considered having a custom made world with bits taken from LOTR, Star Wars and HP, but decided against it, as this seemed like a better idea.**

Lord Voldemort had what is generally know as a headache. Normally he did not suffer from such things, but today was different. He had never known anyone - other than that damned Potter brat - to survive his killing curse before. But that insufferable man with the black armour and sword had not only done that - he'd mocked and insulted the Dark Lord and messed up his spell work. And Voldemort was definitely one to bear grudges.

This other person - also dressed in black armour and a cloak - was very quiet, apart from the heavy breathing noise, for which Voldemort was glad. Currently he was not in the mood for conversation.

A door appeared in the disgusting pink walls of the place, and Voldemort was the first to reach it. He put his hand on the handle - plastic and tacky like everything else in this place - and turned it, pulling the door towards him. It opened with a creak, and stepping out, he found his eyes confronted with a busy Muggle street. He stepped out onto the pavement, and was very pleased to note Sauron's utter confusion. "What is this place?" He asked.

People were giving all three of them funny looks, and Voldemort did have to admit that they all looked very odd to these people, especially Sauron and Darth Vader.

Voldemort flicked his wand. "Invisible-cloakio!" He said, and vanished from the people's sight. Much as he would rather kill the lot of them, just now was not the time. "Forgettio!" He added, to remove the memory of his presence from their minds.

Behind him Sauron made a noise of disbelief, and Voldemort grinned. Not so high and mighty anymore! What annoyed him was when Darth Vader asked "Did something happen?"

Voldemort swung on him. "Of course it did! I became invisible!"

The man who seemed to be armoured entirely in plastic tilted his head at him and answered "Not to everyone, obviously."

Voldemort snapped angrily at him "You're lucky I don't crucio you!"

Lord Vader retaliated by attempting to choke Voldemort with the Force. I say attempting, because at that moment they were interrupted by three large and stereotypical policemen, complete with helmets and accents, informing them that they were being "Arrested for breach of the peace."

All three of them immediately turned on the policemen, united by this common enemy. Sauron drew his sword, Darth Vader his lightsaber, and Voldemort his wand. The policemen looked like they had gotten into deep water, and one took a step back. They were about to wade into combat, when the most aggravating person Voldemort had ever had the misfortune to encounter got in his way.

"Expelliarmus!" Yelled Harry Potter, and Voldemort's wand went flying.

"Can everyone see through my invisibility?" He howled, and leapt after the little stick, which luckily just missed falling down a drain.

"Of course I can, what do you expect if you use cheapy spells like than that aren't even canon?" Harry called back, and then added "Stupefy!" as an afterthought. He missed.

Voldemort picked up his wand, and turned to face the world's most aggravating teenager. "Avada kedavra!" He shouted, but Harry Potter had used his wand at exactly the same time and with a sinking feeling Voldemort realised that this wasn't the Elder Wand, and he was stuck with the twin cores problem again. Whoever this Eru person was from the last chapter, Voldemort resolved that he was going to kill him the next time they met.

Risking a glance over his shoulder, Voldemort saw that Darth Vader seemed to be embroiled in a lightsaber battle with a brown haired, handsome boy a few years older than Harry Potter, with a very notable cleft in his chin, while Sauron was beset by a whole group of people, an annoying looking ruggedly handsome man, a giant dog and a very small person, a bit taller than a house-elf. It was all most peculiar.

Switching his attention back to Harry, Voldemort broke the spell he had cast, dodged Harry's, and tried to apparate to Dumbledore's tomb. He needed to get the Elder Wand again as soon as was possible.

It didn't work. Voldemort blinked, stunned, and killed a random bystander he was in such a bad mood. "No one cares when I have a headache," He complained to Harry Potter. "But they write seven books about it when you have a little pain in the head!"

Harry Potter looked surprised. "Now that was hardly a little pain in the head! And it was all your fault anyway!"

"How dare you! You're always blaming me for everything that goes wrong!"

"That's probably because you're the Dark Lord." Harry remonstrated.

Voldemort couldn't find a satisfactory answer to that, so instead tried to kill Harry Potter again, in the hope of catching him off guard. It didn't work.

Suddenly Voldemort became aware that he had an audience. He glanced back, and saw to his anger and chagrin that both his black armoured companions had finished their fights and were standing watching him. Spurred on by this, Voldemort tried a new tactic. Breaking off the golden spell thing connecting his wand to Harry Potter's, he pointed his wand at himself and said "Engorgio!"

He grew very quickly to the size of a giant, then he stopped himself. Grinning hugely, he lifted a foot and trod on Harry Potter. Then he looked at Lord Vader and Sauron, and considered squashing them, too. Darth Vader drew his lightsaber again, and Sauron set a nearby and convenient police box on fire. Oddly enough, Voldemort hadn't noticed it being there before. It seemed to vanish very quickly, too. Voldemort took the point. Probably not the best idea in the world just now. He shrank down once again.

The street was deserted, empty of people. They had fled the battle. Voldemort looked at where he had trodden, and realised angrily that with the absence of squashed Potter on the ground, the stupid boy must have apparated away. He ground his teeth. And he had been so close!

He used a thought to comfort himself. This couldn't be the real version of Harry Potter anyway, and when he won he could kill the real one! That cheered him up, and set him to thinking how to gain the biggest empire, in the shortest possible time. "Bye!" He called to Darth Vader and Sauron. "I'm going to America to kill the president."

And with that he disapparated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I hope you like the new chapter!**

The wheel was simple enough, but the thing seemed to have no fly feature, there was not start button, and instead a whole assortment of odd levers and pedals, as well as even a lock! Perhaps the start button was hidden by the lock. Vader twisted the keys, and jumped when the engine started up with a ridiculously loud roar. Honestly! This made the vehicles he was used to seem so quiet that they belonged in a Science Fiction film!

On the pavement behind him Sauron irritably set some buildings on fire, then turned away. Darth Vader tried pulling and pushing the wheel, but that didn't work. Then he experimented with the levers and buttons, and managed to make sticks move across the windscreen, cause deafening music to play, turned on a wailing siren and flashing lights, and cause the vehicle to reverse, but none of that was what he wanted. Angrily he thumped the dashboard with his fist, pulled hard on a lever, pushed something with his foot and at last made the ridiculously complex machine move forward.

Driving, once he had gotten the principle of the thing, was not hard, and actually even easier than normal. When you had learned to drive in three dimensional airspace, simply navigating two dimensional roadways was a piece of cake. Darth Vader even started to whistle his theme song, once he had managed to turn the dreadful music off.

The problem was, he had little real idea of what to do and where to go. This place was so primitive it was unbelievable, but the problem was, it was so primitive that Darth Vader had no clue as to how it was organised, who did what, and how he should even begin to build an empire. Which he knew he had to do, if he had any chance of beating Sauron and Voldemort. Perhaps what he needed was a prisoner. Yes, someone who could explain this strange planet to him. He nodded his helmeted head, and pulling his car out of the road, scraping the paint off two other cars who honked loudly at him, he parked on two yellow lines that actually seemed to be painted on. How quaint.

He climbed out of the car, and, unsure how to stop it, simply left it humming away to itself. Everyone walking by him was giving him extremely funny looks. Someone even went so far as to ask him "Where's the party, mate?"

Darth Vader swung his head to look at the man and said nothing. The intruder fled after a few moments of his intense scrutiny, and Lord Vader spotted a place signposted library. He might well find a knowledgeable person there. He entered the library, and was simply stunned to see it filled with real books, not film, not chips, not holograms, old fashioned, dusty books. These people surprised him more and more.

Anyway. He shrugged off the momentary shock and approached the desk. The two middle aged women behind it both gave him very funny looks, but neither said anything. "I want information." Darth Vader rumbled.

"Well you might try a newsagent's, not a library." Said one of the women.

Darth Vader glared at her. Unfortunately, she didn't notice as his eyes were concealed behind the helmet. He glared some more for good measure. "I need information," He repeated. "And I will give you one more chance."

"Look, unless you behave I will have to ask you to leave." Said the other woman, looking annoyed.

He reached out with the Force and picked her up. She stared at him, goggle-eyed. The other woman shrieked and fled. Several people said "Shhhh!" Rather loudly, but no one turned round.

"Now," Said Darth Vader quietly. "You will tell me what I want to know."

* * *

The library was empty now. After getting a few answers out of the terrified woman, some more of those people who drove wailing, flashing cars had arrived and tried to arrest him. After he dealt with them, he noticed everyone had fled. He didn't care, he was going to use this 'Internet', the woman had mentioned. An ingenious idea. He was astonished the Sith or the Jedi had never come up with something similar. He sat down at one of these people's droids, and greeted it politely enough. "Good morning."

The droid did nothing. It sat and hummed at him. Perhaps that was how they talked? Darth Vader had little use for humming droids. He looked down at the board before him and noticed it contained letters of the alphabet. He typed in "Good morning."

The screen lit up, and a line of text appeared that said "Incorrect password."

Angry, Darth Vader tried shouting at the droid. That didn't work either. Neither did threatening it with his lightsaber, and he was forced to come to terms with the fact that these savages had not developed intelligent droids. But there was good side to that, no matter how hard the stupid thing would be to deal with. He reached out with the Force and felt what the correct password was.

After some more trial and error he opened Internet Explorer and typed in 'World leader'.

Annoyingly, there were a lot of them. He was going to have a really hard time become Emperor of this dump. He tried searching for space, but these people didn't even have a settlement on their moon! Behind his mask, Darth Vader rolled his eyes and finally tried searching for the names of his enemies.

Sauron and Voldemort were - characters in books? Darth Vader stared for a moment, and then hurrying into the book area of the library rooted out The Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter series. They would be useful references if these people - aside from Luke who he had met earlier and chased away - were to be his main enemies. He pocketed the books for later reference.

Then, with a feeling of dread, he typed in his own name. When the result came up that he was in a series of films, he hit the ceiling. Literally. He cracked his head quite hard, too.

When he had calmed down, he noticed through the Force that there was someone else in the room. Someone who was making a great disturbance in the Force. Lord Vader got to his feet and followed the feeling, reaching out for the disturbance.

He uncovered a small boy hiding beneath the table, shivering with fear. He emitted a huge potential for skill with the Force. Darth Vader debated with himself whether to kill the boy or use his powers, and decided on the latter. If he was to become ruler, he needed allies. He remembered Darth Sidious's behaviour with him before he became a Sith Lord. He smiled down at the boy, even though it couldn't be seen, and extended a hand to the child. "Are you okay down there?"

The child said, in an accusatory tone. "I've got a Darth Vader at home, and you're much bigger than him."

"That's because I'm the real one."

"You're never! The real one's on a DVD!"

Darth Vader sighed deeply and somehow prevented himself from throttling the brat. "I can assure you that I am the bona fide Darth Vader." To demonstrate he cut a shelf in half with his lightsaber.

"Hey," Said the boy in an impressed tone. "Where did you get that? I've got one of them at home to, but it's nowhere near as good."

"I built it."

"Will you build me one?"

"I'll show you how to build one if you come with me."

The child climbed out, a big grin plastered on his face. "Yeah, I'll come with you." He said cheerfully.

Darth Vader watched the child wiping his nose on his sleeve and confined his feelings to a sigh. This was going to be a very long day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, sorry for the long wait! I had forgotten entirely what I wanted to happen to Sauron, and so I had to come up with some new ideas. Anyway, I don't think the taxi scene is that strong - I've never ridden in a taxi in my life, so if it doesn't hold together, I'm sorry, but it's the best I could do under the circumstances.**

 **Anyway, thank you to the - I assume you were one person? - guest who reviewed. And to answer the question 'What happened to Obliviate?', Voldemort was using non-canon spells that he got on the cheap.**

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Sauron didn't have the title 'the Deceiver' for nothing. He bent the whole civilisation of Nùmenor to his will, for Eru's sake! He knew how to mask his true self, to put on a semblance of being a pleasant person. He enjoyed doing it, too. It wasn't quite as fun as blasting things apart, or killing things with his armies, but there was a pleasure to be had in watching all those annoying do-gooder Elves and Mortals being fooled by him time and time again.

Unfortunately, he wasn't all that good at it in this annoying place. It hadn't been hard to out on a glamour - Eru, even an Elf could put on a glamour, so he should definitely be able to - so that now he looked exactly like everyone else, even though in reality he was wearing large black armour and carrying a dirty great sword. The problem came in talking to these people. Sauron knew that the way to become powerful was to begin by being close to those in power. At first he had thought it would be very simple. This place had a queen, he just needed to make himself indispensable to her. But then, it turned out that she was really pretty much a figurehead, and it was a council that had the real power. But the problem with that was that it was going to be very, very hard to ingratiate himself into this council. He had none of these stupid papers you seemed to need, for a start. Sauron snorted in anger, and decided the first thing he needed to do was get hold of some of the bits of paper these foolish people used instead of gold. Then he could start judiciously killing people, become ruler, and maybe start a cult or two along the way. It all sounded so easy.

First things first. He approached one of those odd, self driving chariots people were whizzing about in. This one had a yellow bar across its roof with numbers on. He had seen someone get in, one, and it moved off. It all looked deceptively simple.

He opened the door and climbed in. The man sitting behind a wheel looked at him and said "Where d'you want to go?"

Sauron considered this. "I want," He said grandly. "To go to the place where you get pieces of paper."

The man looked at him. "You want to go where?"

"Where you get pieces of paper!" Sauron said angrily. "Are you stupid?"

"You can find yourself a different taxi if you're going to insult me!" The man snapped back.

Sauron felt like splitting the man in half with his sword, but restrained the impulse. It was not conducive to getting where he wanted to go, just now. "I - will not insult you," He said stiffly. He couldn't bring himself to utter any such word as sorry. "Now, will you take me to the place or not?"

"What pieces of paper are you talking about." The man said, with a heavy sigh.

"I don't know what they're called. The bits of paper you use instead of gold."

"At last we're getting somewhere. Which bank?"

Sauron was perplexed. "We were talking about gold," He said. "Not piles of earth."

The man leaned back in his seat. "Look, can you just find someone else. I can't cope with this nonsense anymore."

Sauron but a hand on his hilt. "You will take me to a treasury!" He growled.

"Get out of my car."

Sauron lifted a hand. In his palm he conjured a little flame. The driver stared at it with wide eyes. "Take me to a treasury." Sauron said coldly.

The man gulped, and nodded. "Right, okay, yes." He stammered, and started the car.

Sauron clung to he edges of his seat as the thing lurched forward and began moving with incredible speed. He stared at all the other vehicles milling about at a similar speed, and let out a small sound. He might be a Dark Lord, but this frightened him alright. They all moved so fast, so unpredictably! It astonished him they hadn't crashed already. He squeezed his eyes shut. If he was going to die, he didn't want to see it coming.

Astonishingly, when he felt the car stop and cautiously opened his eyes, he found that they had stopped beside a large building. He wasn't hurt, the car wasn't hurt . . .

He got up and, forgetting the low ceiling, banged his head. "Hobbit hole!" He shouted at the car, then said to the driver "Wait here, I will return."

The man nodded. "I'll do just that."

He got out, rubbing his sore head, then, guessing the big building must be the treasury, he climbed up the steps to enter it. From what little he had gathered of these places, one went in and took money out. Completely insane, but useful. He marched straight past a line of people and said to the person behind the glass pane "I would like some paper gold."

The person who had been talking to her said angrily "Hey, I was here first!"

Sauron ignored him. "I would like some paper gold." He repeated.

"I was dealing with this gentleman here, if you got in the queue then I will deal with you when it's your turn."

Sauron viewed her with undisguised anger. "You will talk to me now!" He said.

"Will you just get out of my way?" The man who had been there before demanded.

Sauron wheeled on him. "Do you know who I am?" He demanded.

"I don't care."

"You are talking to Lord Sauron Gorthaur of Mordor!" He shouted, and struck a pose.

Unfortunately, everyone started laughing. Sauron didn't think he'd said anything funny. He thought he had been threatening them. He growled his anger and stalked away. In the doorway he spotted a large group of people carrying odd metal contraptions, and the man who had driven him here. "That's him!" The man shouted, and everyone levelled their metal things at Sauron. "Stop, you are under arrest!"

"Under a what?" Sauron asked anxiously, glancing up at the roof. No, there didn't seem to be anything about to fall on him.

"Are you trying to be funny?"

"Nothing," Sauron said coldly. "Could be further from my mind."


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, I know this is my most popular story, but I'm not actually that happy with it. I doubt that I'm ever going to pick it up again, so if anyone wants to continue it feel free. Darkest Dark Lord is now up for adoption.**


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